Two Menus
By Steve Martin
 

KING'S RANSOM Paducah, Kansas Fine dining at its best.		SYNERGY Beverly Hills, California Phone: Yeah, right.
Fried-Butter Appetizer Butter, cream, fat, lard, shortening, palm oil, drawn-butter dip.		Air Salad Dehumidified ocean air on a bed of fileted basil.
Greaseballs Four greaseballs served flaming hot in your hands (grease, balls).		Egg-White Omelette Egg whites, pumpkin seeds, Vitamin C, nonfat cheese buttons, aerated yogi urine.
* Cow Organs Charlton Heston Steaming entrails and freshly slaughtered virgin cow brains, marinated in lard. Find the bullet and eat free!		Spaghetti à la Nerf Our natural eggless spaghetti, cooked in desalted Caspian Sea water, simmered in oliveless olive oil, and sprinkled with parsley skins. As light a Nerf ball!
Maybelle's Vegetarian Special Ham, ham hocks, pork rinds, butter, eggs. Ask for Bac-O-Bits!		Filet of Sole Sole.
Double Height Rib-Eye Steak Cooked in its own juice while alive, served with hot buttered metal screws, cardboard.		Chilean Sea Bass The Patagonian toothfish is overfished, so try our soya-based lo-fat substitute, swimming in hot water. Soy, water, gelatin added for viscosity. Garlic vapor. A natural face-lift dish.
Egg-Yolk Omelette à la Mitt Yellow hearts of egg folded into an omelette. Cooked and served inside a boxing glove.
Our Banana Split Fried ice cream, butter, double-cream-infused banana, whipped cream, cherries in red dye No. 2, triple-fudge chocolate sauce, pancakes, cow fat.		Our Banana Split One banana lying in its own skin, Covered in chocolate, on a bed of arugula. A cheesecloth mouth condom is supplied to enable you to taste the chocolate without swallowing.
* Heartwise!		Hemlock Tea Try our depoisoned herbal infusion.

* From The New Yorker, February 21 & 28, 2000, p. 74.