The Sex Lives of Clowns
By Steve Martin
 

Think of it: clowns paint their mouths with wide red bands, making them appear more open and inviting. Noses are extended, made larger and thicker, and painted in provocative colors. Hair on the head, which reminds the subconscious of genital hair, is puffed and combed, pulled sideways to great lengths, then dyed bold, eye-catching colors. Is there any doubt that the mating ritual of clowns is extravagantly beyond the practices of ordinary people?

Male clowns will often pick a drab female, then spend weeks or months convincing her of the appeal of slipping into a satin dress with bright orange polka dots. The clown will court her in full make-up, inuring her to the sight of him, slowly urging her to join him in the ceremony of the greasepaint. The relationship of male to female is the same as peacock to hen: the male, or Tom-clown, will dress in full regalia; the female, or She-foon, will reflect the Tom-clown's appearance, but to an understated, symbolic extent.

At the beginning of mating, the She-foon will sit on the edge of the bed while the male clown does handsprings across the bedroom. He will then sit in a pie. The pie symbolizes the male fluid, and by sitting in it, the clown fuels his erotic juices. He then removes the meringue- soaked lower garment, known as the Boopy-Doopy, puts it in a pre-addressed mailer, and sends it to Saudi Arabia.

The female then lies back on the bed and exposes her genitalia, on which has been painted an orange and green target. The tip of the male organ has been coated with red greasepaint. The Tom-clown steps back from the bed and
flies at her three times, always missing and hitting his head on the headboard. Then penetration is attempted. It is the Tom-clown's responsibility to stay wide of the target, generating several false starts to which the female responds with "Wrong!" and "Nope!" Once penetration is achieved, the female shouts, "Do it, Bozo!" and the act is consummated.

Afterwards, it is a custom, though not part of the ritual, for the clown to lie back on his bed and light an exploding cigar.

The sex life of clowns, like that of regular humans, is fraught with complications and complexities. Sometimes the female, in the last stages of courtship, will choose a published scientist instead. Sometimes ejaculation is premature because the clown suddenly imagines forty of his fellows crowded into a Volkswagen. It is often believed that ritualized sex makes courtship easier, that practiced rules don't require much imagination or personality. But debilitating failure, within the context of these conventions, is common for clowns.

I know.

I am one.


 * From Clown Paintings by Diane Keaton, PowerHouse Cultural Entertainment (2002).