A Few Words on the Passing of Dave Barry's Column
By Steve Martin
 

(Or, one funny man with two first names takes on another)

Dave Barry is going on an ``indefinite hiatus'' only to attract attention to himself. Not famous enough, Dave? Why don't you go on hiatus! Oh, and make it indefinite. That'll grab some headlines.

Dave says he wants to spend more time with his family. But I hesitate to tell you that Dave's family is a hash pipe and some old Playboy magazines. Yes, Dave has written many funny essays that have appeared in our nation's newspapers. However, most of his material is plagiarized from his own mind. Often, a funny idea will come to Dave, and then he will use that idea in one of his columns. Also, he will sometimes have a perfectly legitimate sentence, and then twist that sentence all out of shape so it will read funny. Another device that he uses is the old trick of putting the punch line at the end of the sentence or paragraph. These tactics are abhorrent.

And by the way, you know how he often says, ``And I'm not making this up?'' Well, he made that up.

Dave Barry, and I am not making this up, loves Satan.

Yes, he's really going on hiatus to give himself more time to worship Satan. When you think of all the Daves in the Bible, most of them are Satan worshipers. The snake, if you recall, was named Dave. And who is it who often takes a hiatus? Satan. Remember the movie ``Satan Takes a Hiatus''?

Also, Dave Barry plays in a band with Stephen King. Stephen King does not play music with people unless they're able to shine beams of light from their eyes that can set fire to wastebaskets. And I've seen Dave at dinner parties light people's cigarettes just by glaring at them, or sometimes he'll just reheat fondue.

But I will miss Dave. I'm going to miss every Sunday morning when I would run outside and get the paper and read his column and laugh out loud and feel sick with envy because he's so funny. Now I'm just going to have to settle for knowing that he's still there, in Florida, being funnier than all of us put together, but that the rat is keeping it to himself.

STEVE MARTIN is exactly who you think he is. He wrote this article for the Washington Post.

 * From The Washington Post, January 2, 2005; p. W12 (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A35008-2004Dec29.html).