Where the Comedians Will Be on Oscar Night
By Steve Martin
 

"Comedy is king everywhere but at the Oscars." -- The Cleveland Plain Dealer

Jim Carrey: Sitting in his car eating a tuna sandwich.

Eddie Murphy: Standing on a hilltop throwing stones into the ocean.

Mike Myers: Knitting a sweater for his dog.

Adam Sandler: Night croquet.

Billy Crystal: Watching Oscars pass under his nose.

Jerry Lewis: Drinking a cranberry juice with his mouth wrapped around the entire rim of the glass.

Robin Williams: Holding his Oscar for "Good Will Hunting" and trying to etch over it, "Mrs. Doubtfire."

Martin Short: Throwing a tennis ball to his dog thinking, "Woulda, shoulda, coulda."

Woody Allen: In a movie theater watching "Wild Strawberries."

Jerry Seinfeld: Standing in front of a mirror, practicing "You talkin' to me?"

Chevy Chase: Drinking a cranberry juice with his mouth wrapped around the entire rim of the glass.

Whoopi Goldberg: Cradling her Oscar and thinking "Whence thou."

Me: Holding back the tears.

 * From The New York Times, March 25, 2000.